Only In America

Spread the Stupidity


Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of
the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ......do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America .....do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America . .....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? < BR>

Why are they called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport the terminal?


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

Wife Vs Husband

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down the road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their

position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied,
"In-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day.... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we

have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up

first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our
coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says........... "HEBREWS"


THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and

were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the
man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake
him at </ FONT>5 :00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she
would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to
discover it was9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of
paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." < BR>
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is
always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Weight Loss Program

Weight Loss Program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every
muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely, " he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read: "I'm Dave. If I catch you, you're

Joke And Funny Stuff Forum?

Can we have one beside the off topic?

Computer Problems

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support.
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software called Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support